Muddled

I really need to shift my sleep schedule by about...2-3 hours. I can't sleep at night, then I sleep in in the morning. I've been on this schedule ever since I hurt my back in January and no matter how early I wake myself up or how much I do during the day, I can't get to sleep at night. I guess that just goes to show you how exhausting it really is chasing toddlers around all day.

Besides the not sleeping part, I miss the socialization of working. 5 days a week I had a room full of toddlers and two co-teachers to socialize with, and then of course the rest of the building during lunch breaks, playground, computer work time. And the parents. I talked to so many people at my job that I didn't realize how much I would miss it when it was gone. I don't know if it was the 4 months of "I can't go anywhere because I can't get out of bed/can't sit that long" that I kept telling everyone, or asking that they come over to my house so I would have a comfortable place to lay on the couch, but since I've been able to be up and moving and social again, I feel like my social life is just plain gone. Without the hustle and bustle of work, my life feels dull and boring and repetitive. Sewing has helped a bit, but I still feel that need to talk to people. I feel like I post more on facebook than I have in a long time, simply because I'm bored and I want to talk to people. I've become one of those people who posts everything on facebook, hoping that it might spark a conversation with someone. But of course, I think people are starting to tune me out instead. I do that when someone posts too often. It's understandable.

It's just hard when your life seems to have shrunk to such a small little space in the world, with so few people in it. I've tried to be strong and positive about everything that has happened this year, but I feel like I've been limited. Back in high school, when I injured my back, I knew I would not be able to dance anymore. Those funny hopes to become a dancer turned into a love of watching others dance, and yearning to move like that, feel that excitement again. I found something I loved just as much: teaching. And this year, I feel like I'm 18 all over again, my life turning a corner and limiting me again. No more toddlers, no more infants, no more young preschool. No more lifting. No more caregiving. Which of course is something I came to really love about teaching toddlers, that relationship you build as a caregiver that you don't get with teaching first grade.

And then there's first grade...and kindergarten, and second grade. I'm finding that my spirits are diminishing slowly, feeling that I might NOT get those jobs, that I might be lucky just to be an assistant this year. Then what? Will I go back to school? Can I afford that? I think I've jumped into this sewing because it takes my mind off that fear. And the hope that by selling my work, I could have a new passion, a new way to make a living, and be able to go back to school seems so exciting. But I keep finding these road blocks, like cost to get registered to sell in MA (which is one of only 3 states that requires this, btw), possibly the cost of renting a space at a local shop, which was offered to me this week. Do I really want to pursue this? Or do I just want this to be a hobby, making myself clothes. I'm struggling with this decision, but I've decided that I will at least take the first steps and give myself the option. Who knows what will happen in 3 months. Maybe I'll get that job I want and sewing will go back to being a hobby. Maybe my bears and blankets will have a niche and start to sell. I just wish there was some way to see 3 months down the line and know which way I should go. But of course, that's the risk in life. I know risk is supposed to be the fun and unexpected part of life, but I've always hated new and unexpected experiences and tried desperately to prepare myself for them...or avoid them.

Well....this week I'm working on my own projects...just for me. And maybe work on a new project I thought of tonight. We'll see. I just wish I could fall asleep before 3 am.