Saturday, February 12, 2011

"The Hardest Part Is Letting Go of Your Dreams"

I had my first appointment to talk to someone about everything I've been dealing with. I have to be honest, I do not enjoy telling someone all the things that are going wrong in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love to complain, as everyone who knows me is fully aware, to the point where some of my close friends have to tell me to stop. But when the person I am talking to is writing everything down, and is trying to figure out what the problem is with me, I don't like it. I took psychology, and I know that my biggest problem lately is internalizing the negative things in my life. And I know that isn't good, and that I should be looking at the big picture. But the more I told this woman my story, the worse I felt. And I didn't need her to point out that my ego has suffered a lot from being laid off, rejected for jobs, and everything else. I honestly feel like I'm in this dark tunnel, holding my breath for good luck (is that just a Northwest thing, or does everyone else do it?) and I keep thinking I see the end of it, but then it disappears. And I've run out of breath but can't inhale on my own. Not until that light appears signalling the end.

Of course, I didn't get to tell her this, because she was so busy making me tell her my life story, and there is plenty to tell. What with all my health problems and a complicated family tree...and she wanted to stop and talk about each little thing I mentioned. We spent more time talking about my kidney stones than anything else, and I'm thinking, I NEED TO TALK ABOUT MY JOB SITUATION. I burst into tears when I started talking about my lay-off, but the rest of the time I was happy and'd think that would be an indicator. In the end, I barely got to finish my story of the last few months, and then she told me that I needed to get my health in check first of all, then work on building my confidence.

Oh, ok, I'll just have my hip injections, and schedule a bunch of appointments for physical therapy, oh and of course more appointments with you to talk about my feelings, for which I will have to miss work, and then I'll schedule a lapriscopic surgery to explore how bad my endometriosis is (taking probably a good week from work there) and everything will just fall into place. Thanks! I never would have thought about taking some time for myself to get my health in order. What a great idea!  I'll easily balance work and doctors and squeeze in graduate school as well. My problems are solved.

Please excuse my extreme sarcasm. She did tell me to let myself feel what I feel and to write about it.

She also told me something that I almost laughed at. She said that my back problems and headaches were likely caused by holding all my feelings in and my stress being held there. She asked if I exercised. Um, not anymore. So she said to listen to music and imagine myself moving. Little did she know that another very difficult time in my life (because I didn't have time to tell her about it) was when I injured my back in high school and could no longer dance, while I was captain of my dance team. So I used to sit in my room listening to music, choreographing in my head, then getting extremely depressed that my body couldn't do the moves I had in my head and I had to instead live my passion of dancing through my teammates. Many apologies to them, btw, because I know I was a total bitch in many of our practices, yelling at you to dance harder and cleaner and stop talking, but it totally killed me to not be able to do the dancing myself. And even when I did, I was in pain.

In any case, I am trying to do what she told me. The ironic thing is that the music I've always wanted to choreograph to are pretty depressing. Quite a few Silverchair and My Chemical Romance and Augustana songs that have GREAT music, but very depressing subjects. MCR "The Black Parade" is very fast and high energy, but all about death. The title of this post is from "Sleep" by MCR, and that one would be very fun, as would "Dead." It actually makes me happy to be imaging dancing to these songs. I've always loved the idea of dancing ballet and jazz to dark music (one reason I love Silverchair's Neon Ballroom album because it mixes grungish-hard rock with orchestral music). I don't think many people share my taste, which is why I was never able to actualize some of my routines. But I did a little marking today. Only with my arms and head, no back movement.

Anyhow, work was good this week. No problems with the back. I seem to be healing fast, which is great. Oh, and I have a surprise for tomorrow...hopefully I'll get time to post about it.


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  2. Very much like my first therapy appointment. Sadly the frustration of talking through it all with someone new is part of the journey. I love you darlin, you are so strong for going through all of this. Stronger than you think you are. And I completely agree with your choreography music :) I dance to MCR's Black Parade all the time in my head. Dancing to dark songs seems to be the best way for me to get out my emotions as does writing. Crying is more helpful than I ever thought it would be. So is letting yourself be angry. I'm here if you ever need to vent and don't want to post it online. You will find happiness and health. I know you will :)
    Love and Hugs,

  3. Hang in there sweetie -- good thing you have this here blog so you can write to your heart's content!!


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